I want to be skinny!!

Like somehow, that is going to solve all my problems magically. Being skinny is not the answer and yet, it's the one thing I want most out of this life before I move onto the next.

Resisting Temptation

It's been a hard week. I realize now I shouldn't have been doing so many things that I was doing. Emotionally, I should have just put my eating on hold, instead I was still trying to control it and it just spiraled out of control.

Today, I have been inandated with snacks from various students and I've been able to resist them all. Although right now I have a homemade cupcake sitting on my desk, that might be the hardest one to resist. In a world where so many parents just buy them at the store instead of making them, I love a good homemade cupcake. Lunch was a bit much, but not way overindulged.

Tonight will be dinner on the road as I head off to Paris to see my best friend! I am getting the heck out of Dodge!!

Wednesday

I'm tired today. Two nights in a row I got in late and just didn't quite get enough sleep to keep me going. I took some iron, so I hope that will kick in and give me a bit of a boost.

This morning I had my Special K cereal with skim milk. I need to get back on path. I had some bad food in my possession and I abused it so bad. But it is all gone now, I still have some things to work through emotionally and stress...but I want to spend today staying on track. I also plan to walk this afternoon between school and bells tonight. I plan to have a small snack of fruit in the morning and a school lunch that I ordered. I brought dinner with me tonight as well as a snack for the afternoon. It's going to be hard, I've been snacking a lot lately and I am really going to cut back for today. I don't care about tomorrow or the next day...today I am going worry only about today.

Food for today

Well, I really want to be strong and stick to the path today.

I had a weak moment and had a handful of combos on the way to work this morning. But I stopped.

Then, when I got to school, I had my special K with skim milk. I have lunch planned, but I forgot to include bringing a dinner since I was going to be here through the evening for a meeting tonight. Water so far: 1 - 8oz serving.

Ok...so all morning....want to snack, want to eat...going crazy!!! Finally, it's snack time and I break it all out...I didn't finish everything, I stopped, but I ate more than I was supposed to!

Lunch was ok...hamburger, juice, tater tots and a small salad.

Journaling

I need a way of keeping track of my food. I know I need to write stuff down and see what exactly I am eating. This weekend has not been good. I've been feeling horrible and using food to try and feel better. I know it and yet, didn't want to stop myself. Especially yesterday, I really went over board.

Today:

Breakfast: raspberry coffee cake

Lunch: Wendy's - 2 jr. bacon cheeseburgers, small fry

Dinner: Mom is bringing home some Chinese. Sweet and Sour Chicken with some rice.

I am not terribly hungry, and I will have some leftovers for my dinner tomorrow night.

Water today: I have had 4 of my 8 servings of 8oz of water.

Exercise: I walked 1.5 miles around the neighborhood.

Oh what a night!

Drama and craziness...but doesn't that always happen when alcohol is involved?

I had a few more drinks that I wanted...but I did do some dancing and stayed up really late so maybe I burned off one or two of them in the process? I'd like to hope so...*L* Today, because of an upset stomach, I know I won't be eating as much lol. It was worth it, I had a great time despite the drama. OK, and to completely own up, I also had 2 hot dogs, 2 bags of chips and burger king for lunch. ok, I over estimated what I would need to fuel that day. I was overwhelmed that this was going to be a great day and let go a little too much.

Super Saturday

No, it's not Kohl's super saturday! But I do have a busy day ahead of me! volleyball game and then a fall festival at my church. my favorite food!! hots and brats!! Yum!!! but, it's ok...I am going to make sure i eat a little lunch before I go and indulge but make sure I keep it real and not go over. I'll be working a lot and hopefully playing a lot, so it'll keep me busy and away from the food! woohoo! (even my hands are hyper today!)

Finally Friday

It's 8:30...i'm at school...getting ready for the day to start and kids are coming in...and realize my tummy is grumbling because I hadn't eaten yet. Can you imagine? Me? forgetting to eat? Unbelievable. There are lots of reasons I like to eat. Tastes good, bored, mad at myself, stressed, anxious. But when I'm really down and kinda depressed...I don't eat. So many things are just not what I want them to be in my life right now and I am not sure what direction I want to take. Or rather, which direction God wants me to take. My parents have been wonderful, but living there is only temporary. Even the past week I wasn't even in a room, but on a bed in the basement. Not to say it was bad, just evidence that I don't seem to have a place. I don't seem to fit in anywhere. Not that I ever did anyway. My roomate and I are getting a house...all the way out in Aurora. Far away from school, far away from my family. and it's not even going to be my house...it's her house. I want a place of my own. A place to decorate and live and enjoy. So, I'm going to get a house while my boyfriend lives in Florida? He's actually encouraging it..he doesn't look at it from that stand point, just that I would have equity and that's a good thing.

Ok...to end on a good note and remind myself that life really doesn't suck. I have my teaching, and volleyball. I have wonderful parents who are there for me, and a mom, that when i was down and frustrated last night hung out with me, made a fire and we just chatted. I am very lucky that God has blessed me with such a wonderful gift in her. And now my students are in here and their teacher is crying. Luckily they are boys and only 5 and don't take notice of such things...*L*

That time of the month :P

Ok...at least I know now why I had a little gain this past week and why also I was so down yesterday. My eating was between ok and a little too much. My goal today is to drink lots of water and keep a watch on my emotions as meal times come and go. I passed up a prime opportunity to stop at Wendy's last night for dinner and I am very happy about that! It also helps that I am trying to save my money and put it away, so I keep that in mind when I want to take the route past Wendy's. My water has been good, in fact I need to go fill it as soon as I am finished with my post. I have volleyball practice after school today, so I'll get a little activity. I'm not sure I'll get much tomorrow, but I know on Saturday I'll be going virtually all day, so that'll be good.

I am gonna be tired tonight

Two words: Volleyball practice. I love it! I'm doing more with moving my feet and it feels great! I'm exhausted right now though. I am about 7 oz away from getting all 8 in today too! Yay me! It's been a good day. And to top it off, i get to pick up my grandma from the airport tonight. I haven't seen her since December! I'm off to get some dinner!

Steps in the right direction

Well, I had volleyball practice after school yesterday. Didn't work as hard as other practices because most of my team was gone to a science thing at a high school. So, I made a plan that when I got home I would have dinner and then go for a walk and I did. I walked about a mile.

I had an unsettling dream last night and woke up feeling stressed, worried and not all that great. So, I drove to school (45 min drive) and then stopped at the store to get some apples for my students today. In a horrible fit of weakness, I bought some combos, reduced fat pringles and twinkies. On the 2 min drive between the store and school, I ate one of the twinkies. When I got to school, I took the box and gave it to the secretary to donate to the after school day care program here at school. It made me feel so much better, that I haven't even opened the other two things I bought and I think I can handle them in a better mood than I was before. I'm still worried and stressed, but won't abuse food in the process.

Today is volleyball practice again and I know I will work a bit harder today. When I get home, I may still take a walk, but I also have laundry to do and finish getting my room ready for my grandma's visit.

Diary of an obese woman

Maybe that's what my title should read..because that's what I am...I am Obese.

For a long time, I tried to rationalize it, overweight, a few extra pounds....nope. Finally, I faced reality. I am Obese.

I am so far overweight that I need this awful word to describe me. I was free though, and no longer lying to myself about my health. Do I want to be Obese? no, I don't. Can I picture myself as non-Obese? No, I can't. Am I starting to have faith that I can be a healthier person? Yes, I am. Every time I do something or stop myself from doing something that I used to do, but can no longer do it. It doesn't happen every time, but I'm getting better.

I didn't get much activity this weekend. During the week, I'll have volleyball practice and walking on the days I don't. Water, water, and more water.

No more counting

I lost track of the number of the day...so no more..lol

The day started off badly. I ate a whole row of chocolate chip cookies on the way to school today for breakfast. :(

Snack was a fruit cup and lunch was a Jenny meal, small salad, peas and carrots and another fruit cup.

I also brought my dinner today because I'm going to be stuck at school working on treasurer stuff and then I have 2 meetings tonight. Of course, on a day that I really need to at least get a walk in, I have no time to do it in. I am going to try and get all my stuff done after school so that I can get a walk in this afternoon or evening. For once though, I didn't let a bad episode turn into the whole day. In fact, I was motivated to be extra diligent the rest of the day.

Day six

Ok, so I didn't get anything posted for yesterday. I spent it quietly at home doing my cleaning and organizing. Eating has been ok, but should have been better. It's going to be a busy week and I'm going to be a little more conscious about portion sizes this week. Volleyball practice 3 days this week will help with the activity and hopefully get some more of the strength training in. I've been spending some time at sparkpeople.com They have a great network and tons of tools to keep you motivated and going.

Day four

well, needless to say, I didn't work out last night. I got home after volleyball practice, ate dinner and was in bed by 7pm. I woke up around 4:30 much more refreshed, but with the knowledge that I was getting sick :( I felt it yesterday in my throat and even on Wednesday night. I'm glad that it's friday so I don't have to worry about teaching when I'm sick, but I had plans this weekend to help my mom with her work in the basement and I don't know if I'm going to be able to get to it if i can't fight this thing off. My goal for today is to make sure I'm getting enough water and watch my snacks. I've been having a few too many carbs/starches for my snacks and sneaking a few extra into my plan that shouldn't be there. The plan right now is to do my strength training this evening when I get home, but I'm playing it by ear.

Day three

Well, I knew I would get some walking done at the Cubs game last night, but I didn't dream of how much I would be doing. OK, so it wasn't a huge amount, but more than I bargained for. We parked about a mile away from the ballpark, which isn't too bad. But the two guys I was with (teachers from my school), are much taller and have longer legs and in much better shape than I was. Each way we walked that mile, I was booking it as fast as I could go. We did that mile in about 20 minutes which is about 10 min faster than I am used to doing a mile. So, 2 miles in 40 min...was a lot for my poor legs! I'm a bit glad for the soreness and the work out, but combine that with getting home around 12:30 and waking up around 5:30/6....I'm very tired this morning. Plus, I have volleyball practice after school. Luckily, I'm the coach so I'm not the one in training...at least not today...:-)

Day two

It's morning and I'm a bit sore, but not too much. I do enjoy this feeling as it shows that I did something last night to go forward in my journey. I am probably going to the Cubs game tonight and so I will be doing some walking. Then, tomorrow, I will do the strength training again. I don't think life can be balanced if everything was going right and nothing was going wrong. My weight loss journey seems to be going very well, and yet, the rest of my life is very unhappy as of late. things are up in the air, relationships with various people don't seem to be going the way I would like them to go. I guess I just keep trudging on and praying.

Day one

Here I go again...the first day of my new path. Anyone losing weight can understand the on again, off again relationship we have with ourselves and the path to a healthy life. I've started working out again. I spent the weekend with my boyfriend and we took some videos and man...I am so fat. I hate how I look while dancing in his arms or watching him teach me how to cook rice. My new motivation to start working out. Now, this is nothing to write home about...but if I make it to 2 steady weeks, I will be very encouraged that I will be able to keep going...and going...and going...